Buyer's Remorse

hello all,

So I’m sure most of you have heard the news that Al gore has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Congratulations Mr. Gore.

I wonder if America looks back to 2001 and wonders if she should have given the quiet, intellectual guy with the long term potential more consideration. Instead she chose the loud-mouth frat boy with the rich daddy, the guy who could get her into parties and get her drunk. Over time she realizes that there is no real relationship, he’s really only using her to get what he wants before he moves on to something else. Six years later, she is left to wonder why she fell for this Connecticut born and raised guy with the Texas accent in the first place? Intelligence, leadership abilities, decision making skills, compassion, oratory abilities, and vision were all things she looked for in a guy and this guy had none. Did she fall for the image of him in a flight suit in front of a “Mission Accomplished” banner or was it when he would pose for the cameras on his Texas ranch as he cleared brush? Whatever the reason, she realizes that she has to move on. She has given up so much of herself in this relationship that she doesn’t know who she is anymore. Time for a fresh start, ’08 is the year she gets her life back on track. She wonders what that quiet, intellectual guy from 6 years ago will be doing then and would he be available?

s

For the record...

Hello all,

As you know, our relationship cannot continue to flourish without complete honesty and open communication. Now with this environment of openness in mind, something has come to be my attention that I feel I must clarify. A good friend of mine informed me that one day they typed my name in the Google search window, and were surprised to find that along with my many listings, (glowing reviews, award winning projects etc) they discovered something less than flattering.

All right, in the spirit of honesty, I must confess something before we go on. There really weren’t that many glowing reviews or award winning projects listed in Google. In fact there weren’t any.

And while I’m at it..it really wasn’t a friend that typed my name in Google. I don’t really have what you would call friends. I in fact typed it on my own computer.

OK, I don’t technically own a computer. Some guy at Starbucks said I could borrow his for a moment.

OK, he left it on while he went to the restroom.

But it was Google.

Anyway, the thing that I really want to talk about is one of the listings I discovered for “Shane Estep”.

http://www.mshp.dps.mo.gov/CJ38/Alias?id=1204158

It seems that a Shane “Patrick” Estep is listed in Missouri as a registered sex offender. Now you can understand my concern that someone of this ilk would somehow, even for a moment, be confused with me. So I want to set the record straight, I know nothing of this horrible situation, I don’t know this person and I’ve never even been to Missouri.

OK, I went to Missouri once..in Jasper county..on that date, but that is it. That is where the similarities end. Did I meet a woman there? Yes, a lovely woman who was over eighteen thank you very much!

All right, technically she may have been 17 but you would not have known by looking at her, I swear. That being said, all we did was talk. Then I tipped my hat to her and said “goodnight”.

OK, maybe there was a monetary offer of some sort; I can’t remember all of the details. But look, clearly the picture isn’t of me, so the issue is closed.

Now, could I, (had I been inclined) have offered another inmate in the holding tank a twelve pack of Coors Light if he would switch identities with me, he becoming Shane Estep and I would become Dwayne “Skeeter” Barksdale. I suppose, but it didn’t happen.

OK it did happen.

Wow, I must say, this whole “honesty” thing is really refreshing. I hope you have all learned something here today, I know I have.

OK, I haven’t.

s

A little something for the ladies...

Hello ladies,

Well it seems the gals at "the View" are at it again. Now many of you guys know my morning just isn't complete without my daily dose of sass, so I always turn to the View. Well you can imagine my surprise when my gals of gab decided to take on the hilarious subject of evolution vs creationism and what discussion isn't complete without the heart to heart talk about whether or not.....the earth is flat.



wow. She didn't know if the earth was flat or not because she was trying to take care of her children. Talk about not being able to multi-task. I can't wait for the "Is it rain or angels crying" debate.

Congratulations "The View", looks like you have a real winner on your hands.

s

Dixie

Dixie entered my life in 2001. The story goes that a friend of the family had a dog they could no longer take care of and would we consider adopting her. At the time, another dog was the last thing my wife and I needed, but she was brought over to “see if we all would get along”. I came home that day to see something sitting in the backyard, looking at me through the glass door. I stood and stared at what can only be described as a black bean bag chair with legs. Apparently, the previous owner wasn’t in the habit of walking this dog and or feeding her sensible portions. This was the fattest dog I had ever seen. I opened the door and slowly approached her, just to see how she would react. And how did this over stuffed black hefty bag react to her potential new owner? She sat there, looked me in the eye and growled. I knew I was in no real danger since an actual lunge from her would be a half day event, but I did like the attitude. I walked back in the house, dialed my wife at work. “Well?” she asked. “All right” I said, “We can keep her”.

My first task with Dixie was to trim the weight. I remember the first time I put a leash on her and set off down the street on the first of our many walks. People in the neighborhood would actually stop what they were doing and watch as this guy appeared to be walking a Black Angus cow to market. The first hill we encountered, Dixie walked about half way up, stopped and sat down in the middle of the street, refusing to go any further. Day after day we tried until finally she could reach the top of the hill and so we tried another hill and then another until gradually the pounds went away as the walks became longer and longer. Over the next few years, it didn’t matter if I was inside the house or doing something outside, Dixie was always there with me.

Of course, this all changed when I moved out, but I tried to stop by as much as I could. As I walked up the sidewalk, I could see her nose pressed against the window, and then the tail would begin to wag as she recognized the person approaching the front door. Gradually, she began to slow as the hips began to wear down, no doubt damaged from early obesity. The younger dogs would go on the longer walks while Dixie was content with the shorter, slower, “stop and sniff’ type of strolls. Then one day, after a routine checkup at the vet’s office, Dixie was diagnosed with an aggressive form of bone cancer.

On September 19^th at approximately 11:30 a.m., Dixie lost her battle with cancer. That morning I went out to the back yard with her for a few minutes. I sat down on the cool morning grass and she lay beside me and we just enjoyed this final time together. Then, we put Dixie in the back seat and the three of us took that long ride to the vet’s office.

I’ve always said that dogs will give you all the love in their heart, only to break yours when they go and Dixie was no exception. We were given a dog I didn’t want with a name I didn’t like and I couldn’t possibly imagine my life without her.

Good dog…..

s

TV Review

hello all,

I know I'm a little late to this party. Saw "John from Cincinnati" tonight. Could someone please tell me what I was watching? That may be the longest hour on television. I think I could have driven to Cincinnati. I'm a huge Milch fan (creator..NYPD blue, Deadwood etc) but this is unwatchable. I can see why it was canceled.

s

Skinny jeans

hello all,

A new study has found what scientists are calling a "Skinny Gene" in people. They originally discovered this gene 50 years ago in fruit flies. Apparently, they realized that not all the fruit flies were the same. In fact they noticed that some were much slimmer than the others which led to more popularity and an over all attractiveness while the more larger flies were prone to provide a more "best friend" type of role.

skinny genes = skinny jeans

s

been a while..

Hello all,

Yes, I know it has been a while since my last post..and I do apologize. What have I been doing? Well I'll tell you. I am just finishing up a pilot project with my writing and performing partner. hopefully we will post it soon for all to enjoy.

Will keep you all posted.

s

this just in...

hello all,

Very few posts could please me more than this one. In fact as I am typing this, dopamine is being released into my brain causing that ol' euphoric feeling. Why am I so giddy you ask? Well that is because news has just come down that I. "Scooter" Libby was just found guilty on 4 or the 5 counts in the CIA leak case.










Now, if you don't mind I'm going for a walk as I see a rainbow has just appeared. What's this? Well hello Mr. Bluebird! What's that? Why I would love to sing with you!

(Cue music)

"Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay,
My, oh, my, what a wonderful day.
Plenty of sunshine headin' my way,
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay!"

s

taking a shot...

Hello all,

In the "good things come to those who wait" department, I received news today that MySpace sensation, Tila Tequilla is finally rewarding her fans with her much anticipated music. ITunes is releasing the first single, (OK, only single) "I Love U". here is a special teaser released from ITunes of the video that you will get free when you download the song. Note: lyrics get a little spicy so..NSFW.



Oh my...quite the potty mouth. Hard to believe that song was originally written by Norah Jones. Apparently the "famous for being famous" Tila now has over 1.5 million "friends" on MySpace, so of course you give her a recording contract. She's just a few more MySpace friends away from being a film, television and publishing star.

thanks for the "add".

s

And the winner is..

Hello all..

I typically don't do this but because of my extensive research and overall knowledge of the business I am going to give my 79th annual Academy Award picks.

1) Best picture - "The Departed" - I know this is a long shot and I'm going out on a limb with this one...the Academy tells "Little Miss Sunshine" to "F@*k off", (all right maybe not that strong..but they get the message).
2) Best Director - Martin Scorsese - sentimental favorite, the voters make up for past crimes.
3) Original Screenplay - "Little Miss Sunshine" - safe pick over much stronger material.
4) Adapted Screenplay - "The Departed" - Academy will pick a script from a film no-one is talking about and or remembers.
5) Best Song - "I need to wake up" by Melissa Etheridge - I think this will shock some, especially those people who worked on the musical "Dreamgirls" and had about 15 songs nominated in this category..and they lose out to a song none of us remember. This will be followed by an irritating standing ovation matched only by the one given to the Hollywood power Brokers behind "An Inconvenient Truth". Al Gore will be thanked for existing and showing us that with enough famous people behind you, you can make a film that agrees with all the reports that came before it.
6) Best Actress - Helen Mirren for "The Queen" - I predict she will end her speech with an uncomfortable moment, probably asking the audience members to salute the Queen of England.
7) Best Actor - Forrest Whitaker - "Last King Of Scotland" this will round out the evening of proving the theory that if you play an actual person, you will get an Oscar. The formula has changed over the years. It used to be that if you played a mentally or physically handicapped person, you got an Oscar. Then it changed into playing a mentally or physically handicapped person who actually existed. Then they dropped the "mentally or physically handicapped" part and kept the "play an actual person, get an Oscar". This will eventually morph into "Play an actual person named Oscar and get an Oscar".

there you have it, my Oscar picks. Risky? Damn right they are.

s

saved by Zero...

In my book, one of the funniest comedies ever is the 1968 film, "The Producers" starring Zero Mostel and Gene Wilder and written and directed by Mel Brooks. In my opinion, as close to comedy perfection as one can get. So you can imagine my sadness when Mel Brooks decided to take the movie to Broadway and replace Mostel and Wilder with Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick. OK fine...nothing against those two gents.. but they're no Mostel and Wilder. Then, Brooks decides to do a film version of the play that was originally a film...not so good. THEN as Nathan and Matthew leave the show, Brooks replaces Nathan's character with Tony Danza. Yes, that Tony Danza.

But now Mel Brooks, in a move I can only attribute to early stages of dementia, has opened the show in Las Vegas and has added as a cast member non other than David Hasselhoff.










So the show, "The Producers" has now become the kind of bloated, self-centered, over-produced Broadway show that the original movie of the same name tried to satirize. In telling the tale about two guys intentionally making a bad Broadway show, by filling it with tacky musical numbers and bad actors, Brooks has actually made a bad Broadway show by filling it with tacky musical numbers and bad actors. Talk about irony biting you in the ass.

s

Send in the clown's...killer.

Hello all,

Now I will be the first to admit, I've never cared for clowns. Even as a kid I would always look down at their "anything for a laugh" style of comedy with as much lil' Shane disdain as I could muster. I liked my comedy to have a certain amount of sophistication and class..like "The Beverly Hillbilly's" for example...(oh Ellie May, will you ever leave my dreams?). Well it appears that that as much as Colombians like cocaine, they hate clowns even more..(go with me on this). During a show in front of a small crowd of 20 people (mostly children), someone jumped out of the audience and shoots one of the clowns in the head. Then another clown was shot outside as he stood by the ticket booth. Last year, a well known circus clown, Pepe, was also shot down in Columbia.

Authorities close to the case are claiming that the Colombian Clown Cartel is sending a message to other clowns across the country. Other reports involve several incidents of drive by "seltzerings" in which witnesses describe 12 heavily painted men driving away in a very tiny, yet somewhat comical, vehicle. Bobo, who has been an outspoken critic of the Clown Cartel, has had several attempts on his life and claims to have woken up one morning to find the head of his rubber chicken in bed with him. "I know what is at stake", said Bobo. his serious tone belying the painted on smile on his face, "But I'm not just doing this for me. I'm doing this for all my fallen soldiers...Freckles, Droopy, JoJo, Poodles, Ocho, Twinkles, Patches and Professor Baggy Britches."

hang in there Bobo.

s

The Virgin Flora

hello all,

Interesting story out of Manchester England where "Flora", a female Komodo Dragon gave birth to 5 baby dragons. What's the big deal you say? Well zoo officials are claiming that "Flora" did all of this with what they claim is a "virgin birth", meaning the mother had no contact with any male dragons before she became "with dragon". Here is a pic of Flora:









Scientists are saying that while other reptiles have been known to reproduce asexually, this is the first for the Komodo Dragon. This leads me to believe one thing..

Flora is a lying little whore.

There, I said it. It had to be said. I know what your thinking.."Shane, how can you say this, aren't you afraid?". Look, I know how strong the Reptile Lobby is and I thought long and hard before I said this..but enough is enough. I have a source on the inside that tells me that everyone at the zoo knows that the Komodos are the party lizard. Any herpetologist worth his salt will tell you that when it comes to which lizards are the most promiscuous, the Komodo tops them all, not the Iguana, the Gecko or even the Horny Toad. My source on the inside tells me that the reptile world has a saying, "Date a Komodo, but marry a Gila". Look, the evidence is right there, Flora is eight years old, that's still young. She still wants to go out, have some fun. She goes out, gets a little careless and ..well, you know the rest. I say give it a month, let's see if she still claims "virgin birth" when it comes time for dragon support payments.

s

Shhh...sleeping.

hello all,

Like many of you I listened to the President's "State of the Union" speech the other night. While I know that Bush may speak for some of you, I think on that night John McCain spoke for all of us when he appeared to nod off during the speech..

Doesn't he look peaceful? I wonder what he's dreaming about. Maybe he is thinking back to when he was a viable presidential candidate, back in 2000, when he trounced George in the New Hampshire primaries and was heading next to South Carolina. It was there however that the Bush party had started a smear campaign where amongst other things alleged that McCain's adopted daughter was actually his illegitimate black child. This proved to be the undoing of the "Straight Talk Express" in S.C and McCain's campaign was never the same. How did McCain respond? Why he backed George Bush of course. Then, in '04 McCain once again stood on his principles and denounced fellow Vietnam veteran John Kerry. It was then that we woke from our dream, the one in which John McCain became something other than just another Washington politician.

And so there he sits, perhaps dreaming of the upcoming 2008 election where he is rumored to be making another presidential run. Well Senator, I think I can speak for all of us when I say..

keep dreamin'.

s

Not small..cozy.

hello all,

Now in my life, I have lived in some small apartments. How small you might ask?

*so small the mice were hunchbacked
* so small that when I put a key in the lock, I broke out a back window.

now that is small!

Well it appears that a real estate agent in London has me beat. There, someone is selling a former storage room converted to a studio apartment that is 77 square feet for $335,000. That is, (wait while I do the math) $4,340 a square foot. Here is a pic:













In case you are wondering..the picture is actual size...(man, that's good stuff)

s

Sorry Charlie...

so the news came down today that the great Bill Parcells was calling it quits. After 2 weeks of non-stop "will he, won't he", (the stuff of sports talk radio program director's dreams), the "Tuna" said goodbye.









4 years, several million dollars in salary and many, many stares like this one (see pic) later and we are 34-32 and two losses in the playoffs...ten years since the last playoff win...ouch. Bill Parcells took his first team, the NY Giants to 2 Super Bowls and won them both. His next team, the Patriots went to the Super bowl and his next team, the Jets went to the AFC championship game...and we get two playoff losses and 2 games over .500. I hate to say this, but the Dallas Cowboys were to Bill Parcells what the Wizards were to Micheal Jordan..that one final attempt before the golf course. When the greatness has faded and you're relying more on reputation than ability. And now we get the "new coach countdown"..great. Well, if you are a cowboy fan, you go through this about once every three years.

hey look, basketball is on...

s

American Idle

Hello all,

From time to time I like to take a stroll through the pop culture landscape, this is one of those times, (see previous post on procrastination). Now I have never seen this show, I don't care to see this show, but I understand it is quite popular with a great many of you. There might be a day that I break out a big pair of sweatpants, an over sized sweatshirt with the latest Disney character/NASCAR logo on it, a large tub of haagen-dazs and my binky, curl up in front of the telly..cell phone in hand, and watch American Idol. Until that day/last day of my life, I will just enjoy the chaos that seems to surround that show. Case in point the adorable Paula Abdul. For those of you who don't know, here are some facts about Paula. 1) Paula used to be a Los Angeles Lakers dancer. 2) Paula choreographed many music videos in the 80's including those of Janet Jackson. 3) Paula had a brief career as a pop singer in the late 80's 4) Paula is a co-host on "American Idol" 5) Paula likes to get loaded before doing interviews promoting said "American Idol".



Delicious. She gets my vote.

A few weeks ago Justin Timberlake was the guest host on Saturday Night live and participated in one of the funniest things SNL has done in quite some time..the Digital Short entitled "A Special Christmas Box (Dick in a Box)".



Very funny and well executed (lyrics, performance, music, production values etc). Well, we all knew it was a matter of time before someone/everyone did their own version of DIAB. Brace yourselves:



One of the questions I had before viewing this was "why?". The question following the viewing.. "how?"...it doesn't seem physically possible. Now keep in mind that this sweet little love song ("You might like Starbucks muffins, but my muffin tastes good too" and "It's a beaaaaverrrrrr!") was actually the work of a group of people who thought they could fool the public into watching something so cheap and crass. The result? The most watched video on the web.

Well eat it up America. But while you are all choking down whatever is forced into your feeding tube, I'll be out here..refusing to give in. And then, just when I think all is lost, something arises that reaffirms my faith in humanity.



s

In regards to your complaint...

FunTime Chairs Inc.
1345 Peterson Rd.
Beaver Falls, PA 15010
Department of Consumer Services

To Sir or Madam:

In regards to your complaint of the "Series 5 Fit-Rite premium folding chair", we have reviewed your case very carefully. We would like to very much keep you in the FunTime Chairs family and would like to resolve any and all concerns you may have. Your complaint states that in June you purchased the Series 5 Fit-Rite premium folding chair, one of our most popular sellers with such customer pleasing features as:

Injection-Molded seat and back 7/8'' Round tube frame Single hinge bars Nest for stacking Seat is fully supported by steel frame Front and rear double riveted leg stretchers

Upon using this chair, (with its all steel, triple brace, double hinge design) you claim that it collapsed at an outdoor function, causing much embarrassment to you and your family. We then asked that you send in some sort of proof of purchase and you were kind enough to send a picture of you on the day of the incident:












We all agree that the chair in the picture is in fact the Series 5 Fit-Rite with it's commercial grade, 18-gauge steel frame, Rear Leg Strengthened with Support Crossbar and 2 U-Brace Rivets and its Double Support Crossrails for Additional Strength. Unfortunately at this time we are still in discussions as to how best to solve the situation and keep you in the FunTime Chair family. We apologize for the delay and will be in touch as quickly as possible. We appreciate your patience.

...and leave show business?

(telephone rings)

voice 1 - Hello?
Voice 2 - Hello..mom? it's me..Ashley!
Mom - Ashley! it's so good to hear from you! Hold on, let me get your father..(muffled) Richard! Richard..it's Ashley on the phone!
(other phone clicks)
Dad - Hello kitten! How's Hollywood?
Ashley - Hi daddy! It's great. So did you guys see me?!
(long pause)
Mom - Umm.. well we watched the parade on television, like you asked us to..
Ashley - And.. what did you guys think?
Dad - I'm not sure what you wanted us to see.
Ashley - The parade daddy...hello.."The Rose Bowl parade"?
Mom - Honey, you're father and I watched the entire parade like you asked.
Ashley - So you saw me!
Dad - Where sweetheart? We looked everywhere for you.
(long pause)
Ashley - I can't believe this.
Mom - Where you a pilgrim?
Ashley - I was a Storm trooper Mom! Not a pilgrim, a Storm trooper!
Dad - What the heck is a storm trooper?!
Mom - Richard... Ashley, we were just confused as to where you were.
Ashley - We were right behind the "Tribute to George Lucas"...float.
Mom - The big bearded head float?
Ashley - Yes..that's the one!
Mom - That beard looked difficult to make.
Ashley - We were marching right behind that!
Dad - All we saw were some flag waving robots.
Ashley - Not robots dad..storm..
Dad - Oh God..
Mom - Honey..remember your blood pressure.
Dad - That was your big break?
Ashley - I knew you wouldn't support me.
Dad - not support you?! Who sent you to New York for acting school, then to London, then to Los Angeles. Who pays for the apartment, the acting lessons, the dance lessons, acting photos?
Mom - Honey..
Dad - and all of that training leads to you dressed as a robot, waving an American flag?
Ashley - It was the French flag..
Dad - Sweet Jesus..
Mom - Honey...
Dad - I told the guys at work to watch...
Ashley - Well I'm sorry to be such an embarrassment.
Dad - (mumbles) ..we're going to have to move...
Ashley - well for your information this was a big thing. Because after the parade, when George Lucas came over and to us to say good job, he was looking straight at me!
Mom - well that is something I guess..
Ashley - and because of this, my agent feels certain that he can get me other work.
Mom - Really? like on television?
Ashley - No, he was thinking more of Science Fiction and Comic book conventions.
(long pause)
Dad - I'm going to go lay down now...kitten, as always..good to hear from you.
(telephone clicks)
Mom - I had better go get his medicine. Call me later and we'll catch up.
Ashley - OK mom, bye.
Mom - Bye dear.
(click)


s