Wednesday, January 24, 2007

The Virgin Flora

hello all,

Interesting story out of Manchester England where "Flora", a female Komodo Dragon gave birth to 5 baby dragons. What's the big deal you say? Well zoo officials are claiming that "Flora" did all of this with what they claim is a "virgin birth", meaning the mother had no contact with any male dragons before she became "with dragon". Here is a pic of Flora:









Scientists are saying that while other reptiles have been known to reproduce asexually, this is the first for the Komodo Dragon. This leads me to believe one thing..

Flora is a lying little whore.

There, I said it. It had to be said. I know what your thinking.."Shane, how can you say this, aren't you afraid?". Look, I know how strong the Reptile Lobby is and I thought long and hard before I said this..but enough is enough. I have a source on the inside that tells me that everyone at the zoo knows that the Komodos are the party lizard. Any herpetologist worth his salt will tell you that when it comes to which lizards are the most promiscuous, the Komodo tops them all, not the Iguana, the Gecko or even the Horny Toad. My source on the inside tells me that the reptile world has a saying, "Date a Komodo, but marry a Gila". Look, the evidence is right there, Flora is eight years old, that's still young. She still wants to go out, have some fun. She goes out, gets a little careless and ..well, you know the rest. I say give it a month, let's see if she still claims "virgin birth" when it comes time for dragon support payments.

s

Shhh...sleeping.

hello all,

Like many of you I listened to the President's "State of the Union" speech the other night. While I know that Bush may speak for some of you, I think on that night John McCain spoke for all of us when he appeared to nod off during the speech..

Doesn't he look peaceful? I wonder what he's dreaming about. Maybe he is thinking back to when he was a viable presidential candidate, back in 2000, when he trounced George in the New Hampshire primaries and was heading next to South Carolina. It was there however that the Bush party had started a smear campaign where amongst other things alleged that McCain's adopted daughter was actually his illegitimate black child. This proved to be the undoing of the "Straight Talk Express" in S.C and McCain's campaign was never the same. How did McCain respond? Why he backed George Bush of course. Then, in '04 McCain once again stood on his principles and denounced fellow Vietnam veteran John Kerry. It was then that we woke from our dream, the one in which John McCain became something other than just another Washington politician.

And so there he sits, perhaps dreaming of the upcoming 2008 election where he is rumored to be making another presidential run. Well Senator, I think I can speak for all of us when I say..

keep dreamin'.

s

Monday, January 22, 2007

Not small..cozy.

hello all,

Now in my life, I have lived in some small apartments. How small you might ask?

*so small the mice were hunchbacked
* so small that when I put a key in the lock, I broke out a back window.

now that is small!

Well it appears that a real estate agent in London has me beat. There, someone is selling a former storage room converted to a studio apartment that is 77 square feet for $335,000. That is, (wait while I do the math) $4,340 a square foot. Here is a pic:













In case you are wondering..the picture is actual size...(man, that's good stuff)

s

Sorry Charlie...

so the news came down today that the great Bill Parcells was calling it quits. After 2 weeks of non-stop "will he, won't he", (the stuff of sports talk radio program director's dreams), the "Tuna" said goodbye.









4 years, several million dollars in salary and many, many stares like this one (see pic) later and we are 34-32 and two losses in the playoffs...ten years since the last playoff win...ouch. Bill Parcells took his first team, the NY Giants to 2 Super Bowls and won them both. His next team, the Patriots went to the Super bowl and his next team, the Jets went to the AFC championship game...and we get two playoff losses and 2 games over .500. I hate to say this, but the Dallas Cowboys were to Bill Parcells what the Wizards were to Micheal Jordan..that one final attempt before the golf course. When the greatness has faded and you're relying more on reputation than ability. And now we get the "new coach countdown"..great. Well, if you are a cowboy fan, you go through this about once every three years.

hey look, basketball is on...

s

Friday, January 12, 2007

American Idle

Hello all,

From time to time I like to take a stroll through the pop culture landscape, this is one of those times, (see previous post on procrastination). Now I have never seen this show, I don't care to see this show, but I understand it is quite popular with a great many of you. There might be a day that I break out a big pair of sweatpants, an over sized sweatshirt with the latest Disney character/NASCAR logo on it, a large tub of haagen-dazs and my binky, curl up in front of the telly..cell phone in hand, and watch American Idol. Until that day/last day of my life, I will just enjoy the chaos that seems to surround that show. Case in point the adorable Paula Abdul. For those of you who don't know, here are some facts about Paula. 1) Paula used to be a Los Angeles Lakers dancer. 2) Paula choreographed many music videos in the 80's including those of Janet Jackson. 3) Paula had a brief career as a pop singer in the late 80's 4) Paula is a co-host on "American Idol" 5) Paula likes to get loaded before doing interviews promoting said "American Idol".



Delicious. She gets my vote.

A few weeks ago Justin Timberlake was the guest host on Saturday Night live and participated in one of the funniest things SNL has done in quite some time..the Digital Short entitled "A Special Christmas Box (Dick in a Box)".



Very funny and well executed (lyrics, performance, music, production values etc). Well, we all knew it was a matter of time before someone/everyone did their own version of DIAB. Brace yourselves:



One of the questions I had before viewing this was "why?". The question following the viewing.. "how?"...it doesn't seem physically possible. Now keep in mind that this sweet little love song ("You might like Starbucks muffins, but my muffin tastes good too" and "It's a beaaaaverrrrrr!") was actually the work of a group of people who thought they could fool the public into watching something so cheap and crass. The result? The most watched video on the web.

Well eat it up America. But while you are all choking down whatever is forced into your feeding tube, I'll be out here..refusing to give in. And then, just when I think all is lost, something arises that reaffirms my faith in humanity.



s

Friday, January 5, 2007

In regards to your complaint...

FunTime Chairs Inc.
1345 Peterson Rd.
Beaver Falls, PA 15010
Department of Consumer Services

To Sir or Madam:

In regards to your complaint of the "Series 5 Fit-Rite premium folding chair", we have reviewed your case very carefully. We would like to very much keep you in the FunTime Chairs family and would like to resolve any and all concerns you may have. Your complaint states that in June you purchased the Series 5 Fit-Rite premium folding chair, one of our most popular sellers with such customer pleasing features as:
  • Injection-Molded seat and back
  • 7/8'' Round tube frame
  • Single hinge bars
  • Nest for stacking
  • Seat is fully supported by steel frame
  • Front and rear double riveted leg stretchers
  • Upon using this chair, (with its all steel, triple brace, double hinge design) you claim that it collapsed at an outdoor function, causing much embarrassment to you and your family. We then asked that you send in some sort of proof of purchase and you were kind enough to send a picture of you on the day of the incident:












    We all agree that the chair in the picture is in fact the Series 5 Fit-Rite with it's commercial grade, 18-gauge steel frame, Rear Leg Strengthened with Support Crossbar and 2 U-Brace Rivets and its Double Support Crossrails for Additional Strength. Unfortunately at this time we are still in discussions as to how best to solve the situation and keep you in the FunTime Chair family. We apologize for the delay and will be in touch as quickly as possible. We appreciate your patience.

    Wednesday, January 3, 2007

    ...and leave show business?



    (telephone rings)

    voice 1 - Hello?
    Voice 2 - Hello..mom? it's me..Ashley!
    Mom - Ashley! it's so good to hear from you! Hold on, let me get your father..(muffled) Richard! Richard..it's Ashley on the phone!
    (other phone clicks)
    Dad - Hello kitten! How's Hollywood?
    Ashley - Hi daddy! It's great. So did you guys see me?!
    (long pause)
    Mom - Umm.. well we watched the parade on television, like you asked us to..
    Ashley - And.. what did you guys think?
    Dad - I'm not sure what you wanted us to see.
    Ashley - The parade daddy...hello.."The Rose Bowl parade"?
    Mom - Honey, you're father and I watched the entire parade like you asked.
    Ashley - So you saw me!
    Dad - Where sweetheart? We looked everywhere for you.
    (long pause)
    Ashley - I can't believe this.
    Mom - Where you a pilgrim?
    Ashley - I was a Storm trooper Mom! Not a pilgrim, a Storm trooper!
    Dad - What the heck is a storm trooper?!
    Mom - Richard... Ashley, we were just confused as to where you were.
    Ashley - We were right behind the "Tribute to George Lucas"...float.
    Mom - The big bearded head float?
    Ashley - Yes..that's the one!
    Mom - That beard looked difficult to make.
    Ashley - We were marching right behind that!
    Dad - All we saw were some flag waving robots.
    Ashley - Not robots dad..storm..
    Dad - Oh God..
    Mom - Honey..remember your blood pressure.
    Dad - That was your big break?
    Ashley - I knew you wouldn't support me.
    Dad - not support you?! Who sent you to New York for acting school, then to London, then to Los Angeles. Who pays for the apartment, the acting lessons, the dance lessons, acting photos?
    Mom - Honey..
    Dad - and all of that training leads to you dressed as a robot, waving an American flag?
    Ashley - It was the French flag..
    Dad - Sweet Jesus..
    Mom - Honey...
    Dad - I told the guys at work to watch...
    Ashley - Well I'm sorry to be such an embarrassment.
    Dad - (mumbles) ..we're going to have to move...
    Ashley - well for your information this was a big thing. Because after the parade, when George Lucas came over and to us to say good job, he was looking straight at me!
    Mom - well that is something I guess..
    Ashley - and because of this, my agent feels certain that he can get me other work.
    Mom - Really? like on television?
    Ashley - No, he was thinking more of Science Fiction and Comic book conventions.
    (long pause)
    Dad - I'm going to go lay down now...kitten, as always..good to hear from you.
    (telephone clicks)
    Mom - I had better go get his medicine. Call me later and we'll catch up.
    Ashley - OK mom, bye.
    Mom - Bye dear.
    (click)


    s